


I don't know what love is

by Marvel_Patronus1



Series: How Dean Winchester came to love Castiel, as told by Castiel- proof read by Sam [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Cas, Castiel falls in love, M/M, Oblivious Cas, Supernatural - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-16
Updated: 2013-01-16
Packaged: 2017-11-25 17:15:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/641224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marvel_Patronus1/pseuds/Marvel_Patronus1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“My chest.” he places a hand to Jimmy’s chest. Well maybe it is his now. After all Jimmy had been void of his body for months. “It hurts, it goes tight like there’s a pressure on it.” He makes a fist to try and show Dean what he means. “And my ears, they hear this loud ‘thump’ ‘thump’ ‘thump’ almost as if they can hear my heart as it goes faster and faster. My hands get sweaty…sometimes…sometimes they crave a touch…and my throat goes dry, like I need water.” Dean isn’t looking at him any more, instead his eyes are back up at the sky, the stars glimmering above them, mocking Castiel as they do. “Everything stops almost. I want to smile and laugh and I feel sad as well. My body gets these strange bumps on the arms and a shiver up my neck. It’s as if I want to scream and laugh and cry and smile all at the same time. I crave something, I feel lost when I don’t have it and I…it’s almost as if I need it…can’t imagine myself without it.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	I don't know what love is

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a short story from a prompt on my tumblr being 'Can you write a piece where Cas is in love with Dean but because he has never felt it before he doesn't know what it is.' Which I decided to turn into a Series. You don't have to read this to understand the rest of the chapters.
> 
> I'm sorry for any errors that you find! I'm terrible at proof reading myself!

Castiel had never been in love before. 

As a creature of God the idea was more than foreign to him- it was unheard of. Angels did not feel as humans did, they did not experience the pain or the suffering or the happiness and joy. Instead, they were programmed to be serious, unyielding, soliders of the heavens, messengers of God, the fear and joy of humanity. Really, it was a rather desensitised job. 

The first time he felt anything was when Dean smiled at him. A real smile that is. It was large and bright and left him speechless The lift of Dean’s mouth, the swell of his cheeks, crinkling of his eyes. All of it had left Castiel with a feeling of warmth flooding his body and an unfamiliar weight in his chest. Once he had left Sam and Dean, he disappeared to the edge of a large cliff somewhere in Ireland, far away from Dean- even though the heavy warm feeling followed. He remembered once hearing in the heavens, whilst visiting the paradise of a young mother and her child, that real genuine smiles were a piece of a person’s soul trying to say hello. Castiel had seen Dean’s soul, it was torn and broken but beneath the scars and cuts and tears was something pure. He couldn’t help but think that maybe that woman was on to something when it came to smiles. Especially Dean’s. 

As his time with the brothers went on, Castiel learnt more about humanity. He learnt more about what it meant to make your own choices, be in possession of free will and essentially be human. He learnt that when something good happened the feeling was happiness, when his eyes leaked it was him crying. Each day brought with it a new experience, a thousand new things to be learned. Yet, nothing was ever the same as that feeling he had experienced with Dean all those months ago, the feeling that still swelled each time Dean smiled, patted his back, clapped his shoulder, called for him, met his gaze and held it…each time he was just Dean. Yes, the feeling intrigued him, made him think, wonder, desire…He wanted to be around Dean, just so he could feel it. At times when he was without the hunter he would crave him, desperately seek Dean’s company, wait for him to call him and occasionally, only in secret, he would watch him in silence, not letting Dean know of his presence. 

He asks Dean about it one day after a hunt. They had taken down a pack of wolves, battered and broken Dean had collapsed onto the step of Bobby’s front porch, drinking a beer and staring out into the heavens. Well, at least that’s what Cas liked to think. Cautiously and silently he sat next to Dean, feeling the warm hum of a body next to his, being able to smell Dean even under all the sweat and grime. It made his body relax, his chest tighten. 

“I have a question to ask you.” Castiel stated, staring out to the same spot Dean was. He wondered what his brother’s must think of him down on earth, tied to the humans, craving their company as friends, not pets. It was pitiful.

“Shoot.” Dean murmured, taking another long sip of his beer. Castiel’s eyebrows had knitted together in confusion.

“I am not holding a fire arm to shoot Dean…” The sound of his laugh had Castiel’s chest tighten again, his palms go slightly sweaty. Dean looked over at him, green eyes shinning. It really was beautiful. I can see your soul Castiel thought.

“It means proceed with the question.” Castiel noted the teasing in Dean’s voice, yet he couldn’t bring himself to be bothered by it. 

“I have this feeling. And I’m not sure what it is.” 

“You have a feeling?” Dean clarified and Castiel nodded, hands clasped in his lap, eyes not leaving Dean’s. “Why don’t you tell me about it and I’ll see if I can help.” Castiel nodded again and took in a deep breath, he tried to think of how to describe what he was feeling to the man who made him feel it. Castiel was never good with subtlety and for some reason, the idea of Dean knowing he made Castiel feel this frightened him.

“Well…” he began poorly, a frown going over his features. “It feels like I’m falling.” Immedietly Castiel knew that that wasn’t the right description, Dean raised an eyebrow, his lips pursed.

“Expand?” he asks and Castiel sighs. 

“Not falling exactly more…more like I’m not floating. It’s almost as if I was just suspended with nothing to hold onto whilst everything moves around me.” Dean nods his lips relaxing slightly.

“Keep going.” He encourages and Castiel smiles slightly, feeling almost empowered by how attentive Dean was.

“My chest.” he places a hand to Jimmy’s chest. Well maybe it is his now. After all Jimmy had been void of his body for months. “It hurts, it goes tight like there’s a pressure on it.” He makes a fist to try and show Dean what he means. “And my ears, they hear this loud ‘thump’ ‘thump’ ‘thump’ almost as if they can hear my heart as it goes faster and faster. My hands get sweaty…sometimes…sometimes they crave a touch…and my throat goes dry, like I need water.” Dean isn’t looking at him any more, instead his eyes are back up at the sky, the stars glimmering above them, mocking Castiel as they do. “Everything stops almost. I want to smile and laugh and I feel sad as well. My body gets these strange bumps on the arms and a shiver up my neck. It’s as if I want to scream and laugh and cry and smile all at the same time. I crave something, I feel lost when I don’t have it and I…it’s almost as if I need it…can’t imagine myself without it.” He finishes rather lamely, wondering just what Dean is thinking as he almost purposely avoids Cas’s gaze. After a moment of long silence Dean speaks, eyes still not meeting Castiel’s.

“Tell me Cas, do you get this feeling when your around someone?” his voice is strong with a slight quiver, he can’t help but wonder if perhaps he offended Dean in any way. 

“Yes.” he thinks of when Dean smiles at him, looks at him, says his name, touches him, asks him for help. “Yes.” He repeats more strongly. Dean looks over at him now, eyes sad but at the same time warm, comforting. He very gently runs his finer tips down Castiel’s cheek bone. He shivers.

“That’s called love Cas.”

“Love.” the word is foreign on his tongue, heavy and soft all at once. Dean nods, slowly standing up and Cas smiles at him, genuinely smiles.

He was in love with Dean Winchester. It was blinding.


End file.
